Although I am a city girl, at times I just need to escape from the city. More, lately.
Thursday, I walked for three hours in the rain. I was soaked, but it didn’t bother me. The wind, the rain, energized me. I raised my chin, lifted my arms, and closed my eyes, to open myself up, to embrace and to relish in the moment.
I had an entire Hawaiian pizza. The last time I had pizza was probably two years ago. It tasted very good, that interwoven sense of flavors. I felt very happy :)
Friday, I took another long walk along the Charles River at dusk. It made me smile to see people peacefully sitting on the grass, enjoying the sky as much as I do.
But somehow, I felt sentimental, about leaving Cambridge. I knew, it was time to say farewell, to this city that I once loved deeply, this city that I see as my second home.
Jenny Xie’s words came back to me, “Funny, the way we come to understand a place by wanting to escape it. “
Saturday morning, I went for a bike ride along the minuteman bike path. Being too familiar with the path, I didn’t enjoy the active times of solitude as much. There were also too many people. Even at 7am!
My space was intruded by my roommate’s boyfriend. He kept breaking into my world because he didn’t know where to put himself. I tried to stay away, but at one point I was just so fed up with him. “Please, just leave me alone.”
I went out for a walk again, but Cambridge is too loud. My energy blocks were almost used up, and I couldn’t find a sustainable source that allows me to reproduce these energy blocks. So I felt drained, and stuck, and I cried like a kid. I can’t wait any longer. I need to leave as soon as possible. I need to save myself.
I called Priscilla before bedtime. I explained to her my pain, and she felt my pain, and she shed tears with me. We talked about “people like us”, and how we both love the book GEB so much. That love comes from a sense of comfort, as she described, and a sense of validation, as I described. It feels good to know that, though people like us are rare, they exist.
She never defined what “people like us” meant. But I completely understand what she meant. That’s how we became friends, in fact. I strongly sensed that she is my kind, so I approached her with the determination of wanting to be friends with her. She said she could assess in an unfamiliar situation, who she could vibe with. I could too.
We agreed that another characteristic of people like us is that we are super observant. We both would always point out the most random things on walks, and feel so fascinated, captivated by their intricacies.
Priscilla told me that I have more bravery. I think so too. I am more proactive, more willing to take risks in having these types of conversations.
I feel a sense of urgency, because I don’t have enough time, so I need to try harder to find people like me.
Sunday morning, right now, I biked to Seaport and I’m sitting on the stairs, facing water. On my way here, I had this thought that maybe Alan Turing, John Nash, and John Horton Conway were “people like us”. That’s why I had so much affinity for and appreciation of them, despite the fact that I know little about them.
I texted Kevin this morning, said some gibberish that I was a bit unconfident to share. He texted back with unwavering, powerful statements. “That’s a really good list of attributes of intelligence…A developmental psychology professor once told me that things like this list (dealing with ambiguity in particular) are things 18-year-olds are really bad at, and there is still physical brain development happening 18-21 that enables them to get better at it.”
That last sentence helped me make more sense as to why I’ve always felt so fortunate to have studied pure Mathematics in college.
You know what, I’m quite lucky. There probably aren’t that many people like me in terms of ratio, but I’ve found my way to connect with a few in real life.
I shall keep searching, and keep being brave.
尽管我是个在城市里长大的姑娘，总有那么一些时刻我只想逃离城市。最近，这种感觉尤其强烈。
周四，我淋雨走了三个小时。浑身湿透的我并不介意被淋成了落汤鸡，因为风和雨重新点燃了我。我扬起下巴、抬起双臂、闭上双眼来敞开自己、拥抱并享受着这个瞬间。
之后我吃了一整个儿夏威夷披萨。上一次吃披萨估计是两年前把。菠萝的甜和培根的咸在我的口中编织在一起美妙极了。我吃得很满足！
周五，我在黄昏时分独自漫步在查尔斯河畔。看着三五成群坐在草地上、和我一样欣赏日落的人们，我的内心一片平静祥和。
但不知为什么，我有些感伤。冥冥之中，我觉得自己很快要离开剑桥了，一个我曾经深爱的城市，一个我视为第二故乡的地方。
Jenny Xie诗中的一句话回到了我的脑海里：“真有趣，当我们深入了解了一个地方的时候会想逃离。”
周六早上，我又去Minuteman自行车线骑了一圈。因为太熟悉这个路线了，所以我并没有像以前一样享受在运动中的独处时光。更何况没想到早上7点钟就有那么多人都上街了！
我的空间被室友的男朋友侵袭了。他无处安放自己，所以不断想进入我的世界。我试图远离他，但最终还是忍不住地跟他摊牌：“你能不能让我一个人好好待着？”
我出去走了一圈本想散心，但是剑桥太躁了。我的能量块儿眼看着要被消耗完了，但是我还没有找到可持续的供给来让我再生产这些能量块儿。我感到自己好像在炎热的沙漠中一样在被耗干，但又找到不到水源，所以我像一个无力的小孩儿一样哭了。我没有时间了。我要离开这里。我要拯救自己。
睡前给Priscilla打了一个电话。我给她解释了我的痛苦，她也感受到了我的痛苦，我们一起在掉眼泪。我们聊到“我们这类人“，以及我们都很爱GEB这本书。这份爱，用她的话说出于安慰，用我的话说出于肯定。尽管我们这类人在人群中稀少，但得知他们的存在还是令人安心。
她从没定义过“我们这类人”是什么意思，但我完全懂她的意思。事实上，我们就是这样成为了朋友。我强烈感知了她是我的同类，所以才去坚定地靠近并希望成为她的朋友。她说她可以在陌生环境中感知自己会和谁玩儿得很好，我也有这种能力。
我们共同认定了我们这类人还有另外一个明显的特点：敏锐的观察能力。我们俩都会在路上走的时候指出最微不足道的小细节，并被它们的精妙复杂深深吸引。
Priscilla说我更勇敢一些，我也这样认为。我更主动，更愿意承担跟别人聊到这类话题时所要承担的风险。
这恐怕是因为我知道自己只有有限的时间，所以才更觉得有一种紧迫感在驱使我去努力寻找自己的同类。
周日早上，现在。我骑车到了Seaport，坐在ICA外面的台阶上面朝大海。在来的路上，我突然有了这样一个念头：也许Alan Turing，John Nash，John Horton Conway等是我们这类人的一些代表。这就能解释为什么我对他们有一种天然的亲近感与欣赏，尽管我对他们个人了解地少之又少。
早上带着一丝胆怯给Kevin发了几条长长的语无伦次的信息，因为我也不知道怎么把脑中的许多想法捋清楚讲出来。他的回复中透露着坚定，让我感到安心。“那是个很好的关于智力的描述列表…一个发展心理学的教授曾经跟我说18岁的少年在面对这个列表上的问题时会感到很手足无措，特别是应对模棱两可。不过在18-21岁的阶段大脑还是有发展空间，所以他们可以在这些事情上做的更好。“
最后那句话似乎很有力地从一个新的角度解释了为何我一直觉得自己大学期间学习了纯数是件很幸运的事情。
说真的，其实我挺幸运的。也许人群中我这类人占比并不很多，但好在我遇到了一些可以理解我的同类。
我要坚定、勇敢地继续寻找下去。