Unexpectedly, today is about, grief,
just like unexpectedly, trauma drills you down.
出乎意料，今天关于, 悲痛，
就像出乎意料，创伤把你钻透。
Unexpectedly, I listened to the episode titled One Last Thing Before I Go of This American Life,
and unexpectedly but understandably, I felt the heartbroken pain through the voices recorded in “kaze no denwa”.
没有想到，我刚好听到 This American Life 里标题为 One Last Thing Before I Go 的这一集，
更没有想到却合乎情理，我感受到了“风的电话”亭中记录下来的那些声音中的碎心痛苦。
I have always been an empathetic person, but I don’t know whether it’s a blessing or a curse.
我一直是个很能共情的人，但我不知道这是好事还是坏事。
I couldnt’ help but crying harder and harder.
我忍不住哭的越来越厉害。
I called my dad.
我给爸爸打了个电话。
I told him: “I just realized that I haven’t let go of my past traumas.”
我告诉他，我突然意识到我对过去的创伤还没释怀。
We talked a lot. Just like many times before.
我们聊了很多。就像之前的许多次一样。
Lei asked me an unprepared question the other day,
which is, “How do you reconcile with your past self?”
蕾那天问了我一个她没有提前准备的问题，
“你如何和过去的自己和解？”
I did not answer very well on the spot, so it has been on my mind for the past few days.
我当时没有回答的很好，所以这几天我一直在想着这个问题。
I asked my dad as well.
我也问了爸爸这个问题。
We agreed that I am adventurous by nature, so I should keep being adventurous. Going to places, trying and learning new things, and do whatever I want.
我们都同意我天性爱冒险，所以我应该继续去探索世界。去新的国家，去尝试和学习，去做自己想做的事情。
Dad restated that he only demands two things: safety and health.
爸爸说他只有两个要求：安全和健康。
We talked for a bit more than an hour.
我们聊了一个小时多一点。
I only appreciated him until recently. TRULY APPRECIATE.
我直到最近才意识到他的好。真正意识到。
He never compared me with others. “You are you”, he said.
他从来没有拿我和别人比。“你就是你“，爸爸说。
He laid a strong foundation so that I could grow freely, at my own will,
and moreover, he never asked anything from me.
他给我铺实了安全的土壤，允许我自由地生长，按照我的意愿，
更重要的，他从来没有向我所要。
I’m going to be 23 in 4 days. How come I just realized that I already have the best gift a daughter could ever asked her from her father.
我还有4天就到23岁了。我竟然才惊醒，我已经得到了一个父亲可以给予女儿最好的礼物。
Before we hang up, he told me : “Even though you are not completely relieved, I can see you getting there.”
我们挂断电话之前，他跟我讲：“虽然你还没有完全释怀，但我觉得你在慢慢转变了。”
He sounds gratified. I thought there was a catch in his voice.
他听上去很欣慰。我觉得他讲话时有些哽咽。
I called him after my friends did not pick up, but I’m gald IT WAS HIM that I talked to this morning.
发现朋友们都在忙以后我才给他打的电话，但我很开心早上跟我长谈的是他。
After all, he was the only one who was always there.
毕竟，一直站在我身后的，是爸爸。
I also texted Matt the same question.
我也问了Matt同样的问题。
“It’s true - we need to forgive ourselves.” He replied after I followed up to his initial response.
“没错，我们需要原谅自己。“ 我在他第一条回复后又追问道，他这样回复。
I texted Lei.
我给Lei发了短信。
“…I realized the biggest problem for the past two years for me has been that I could not forgive my past self. And becuase of that, I started to question my nature as an adventurer, and that caused a lot of pain and conflicts for me. Thanks for a great question that helped me figure it out! “
“…我意识到过去的两年间我最大的问题在于我无法原谅我自己。因为这样，我开始怀疑自己爱冒险的天性，这给我带来了许多痛苦与矛盾。谢谢你的好问题帮我意识到了这一点！“
I feel calm.
I had closure. At least a small circle.
Unexpectedly.
我感到平静
我得到了闭环。至少是一个小句号。
出乎意料。